This week in nursery ridiculousness

I would describe my vegetable patch as battle-tested.

It has survived the drunken escapades of teenagers and their pregnancy tests.

It has overcome the cravings of our hungry iguana friend.

It is still dealing with the never-satisfied appetite of neighborhood chickens.

But the nursery was not prepared for what happened this weekend.

At midnight on Saturday night (so I guess that´s Sunday morning), one of the employees in the nursery who lives next door heard noises in the direction of the nursery. She thought it was her nephew, but when she realized that it was not the sound of her relative enjoying a night out with friends, she became a bit worried. Someone was in the nursery with cruel intentions (not the movie but intentions that are cruel).

She looked out the window and saw someone running out of the nursery with two bunches of plantain slung over his shoulder. They were stealing out plantains, but there was nothing she could do.

Four hours later, there was more noise in the nursery. A local delinquint had gotten in a fight with a soldier. For some reason, the action had carried over to the nursery. And the police were called.

There were four police officers maneuvering through the nursery pursuing this criminal, but he evaded them and escaped.

But the police pursuit was not for naught because they discovered another drunk guy wandering aimlessly around the nursery and arrested him.

Now, I know what you are all thinking. What happened in my vegetable patch?

I arrived Monday morning to discover that one of my watermelon plants had disappeared. I don´t know if the theif ran off with this when he took the plantain, if the drunkard had stumbled over it (and cleaned it up), if the police had accidently trampled it when they were chasing the criminal, or if something else (possibly a chicken) was the culprit.

They are fetching me soup

My region in Ecuador is famous for its goat meat. Here is a photo of me training some goats to fetch me some soup. It´ll be a long process because the goats´ current reaction when I approach is to run away.

But by the time I am done training, the soup is cool enough to enjoy during lunch. I will start doing two-a-day training sessions with the goats. Part of this might involve teaching them to throw sandals, as well. I might also include a few practices on fetching soap, to avoid confusion about what they are supposed to get.

If you don´t understand this post, watch ¨You Don´t Mess With the Zohan.¨

Slow news day or outstanding coverage?

So I opened up the newspaper this morning and saw this gem of an article. keep in mind that this newspaper tries to give comprehensive coverage of the province of El Oro.

A 52 year old farmer, who in his free time plays football, seriously injured his health after a surprising fall with the ball.

The accident happened at four o’clock yesterday,when he was doing some extraordinary dribbling in the box, and when he was at the point of making a goal, he fell to the ground.

Until they realized that the injury was serious, the fans were mocking him, but when they saw him fall to the ground and the seriousness of the injury, they stopped.

He tried to avoid the fall and protect his face with his right arm, but that didn´t work. He had to be carried off the field in an ambulence to the local hospital and was transferred to another hospital at 7:00.

Judging by the details of this story, I would definitely describe their coverage as ¨comprehensive.¨ There was also a picture of the injured man, with his bandaged leg in the hospital.

At the Daily, with a campus of 36,000 students, we didn´t cover every CCRB injury.

Lost in translation (from Spanish to Spanish)

A few weeks ago, I told my friend who works in the Internet café that I was going to make guacamole. They were excited about it but had never tried it before.

I told them that it is a very popular Mexican dip that is served with tortilla chips or lathered on the inside of a burrito. They didn’t know what a burrito was, either.

So there was only one thing that I could do - expand their cultural awareness.

Two days later, everything was ready for the burritos. I bought some avocados, beans, tomatoes, onions, cilantro, and limes and heated up some rice.

I went over to the internet café to let them know that the food would be ready soon. I walked the three minutes back to my house and started constructing the burritos. I realized that I forgot the cheese and opened the fridge to put the cheese on the first burrito.

As I open the door to the fridge, one of the shelves on the door broke off. The wine and liquor bottles stored on that shelf crashed to the floor and shattered.

The burrito enjoyment would be delayed a little bit. I had to clean up the mess. So I got the mop and cleaned up my mess. As soon as I was about done cleaning up my mess, the power went out.

Oh, well. Nothing was going to stop me from sharing the possibilities of avocado with my community. The rice cooker was still warm, so I put the tortillas on top of the rice cooker to heat them and up and used the flashlight on my cell phone to guide me as I filled and wrapped the burritos.

Everything was ready. I have four rolls ready to go, and I carried them over to the Internet café.

Throughout this whole process, I was motivated by the fact that my friend was going to enjoy burritos for the first time. No electricity, no shelf in the fridge. No problem. I am going to share a bit of my culture (my culture being popular campus food).

I finally arrive to the internet café, and my friend takes a bite of the first burrito. After the first bit, my friend pauses for a second and asks, “Is there avocado in this?”

I say, “Yes, that this the base for the guacamole.”

“I’m allergic to avocado.”

Yes, I did tell my friend that I was going to buy avocado but I don’t think the connection was made between my purchase of avocado and the preparation of guacamole.

So, I go back home and make a couple guacamole-less burritos for the people at the Internet café to enjoy.

I return home. The power comes back. And I finish cleaning up the kitchen floor (When I was done, it has the same scent as the floor at 829 Packard). Then I ate my four burritos and put the leftover guacamole in the fridge (to serve with breakfast, I realize that it doesn’t have a shelf life of longer than 12 hours).

As I fit the guacamole back in the puzzle that is our refrigerator, the bowl falls on the floor and I have another mess to clean up.

In ther aftermath of this story, I shared this experience with some of my local friends here, and they had trouble appreciating the humor in this experience. When I relayed this sequence of events to some of my Peace Corps friends, they thought it was one of the funniest things they had ever heard.

Lost in translation, I guess.

Most hilarious cuke I´ve ever seen

So, I was walking through town, introducing myself to the presidents of all the neighborhoods when I came across the biggest pickle any of us had ever seen.



I was talking to the homeowner and he said that his friend from Loja (town in the mountains) gave him the seeds. He planted it a few months ago and gave me a few seeds for my own vegetable patch. I gave him about 10 eggplant seedlings in exchange.

Since I was child, the cucumber has been one of my favorite vegetables. We would have salad at dinner, made out of lettuce, tomato, and cucumber. But by the time I was done with it, it was just lettuce and tomato.

So I like cucumber. And I like hilarious things, like the shape of this cucumber. Put the two together, and this might be one of the best things ever.

The 09ers

Sometimes the difference between science and witchcraft is merely semantics.

And that’s what I was dealing with yesterday as my coworkers and a local archaeologist searched for gold.

Not kidding here.

I live in the El Oro province Ecuador, which is named such because of the gold deposits that used to occupy the ground and riverbeds of the region. An Ecuadorian California, if you will.

Well, word got out about the presence of gold in this region, and there’s not that much left. I guess after the Spanish got first dibs, then nearly two centuries of Ecuadorians trying to make it rich there won’t be too much left.

But it’s still common practice around here to search for gold. It’s just that there is less of it now than there used to be, but people have not given up hope.

Yesterday morning, we left at 7:00 a.m. to begin our quest.

Now, I’m no expert in mining and detecting the presence of minerals. But I assume the archeologist with whom we went has an understanding of the subject, which is why I was surprised when he only brought four copper rods.

We drove about 20 minutes out of town and down a dirt road and onto what I would describe as more of a wide walking path than a driveway until we pulled up in front of an abandoned house. There were two cars parked out front. Apparently, we hadn’t asked permission to be here, but after the acheaologist explained out purpose here and that the owner could make it big, he allowed us to continue our quest.

The archaeologist had a hunch that there was gold hidden on this land. He said something about an Incan trail that used to pass through these parts. We got out of the truck, and the archeaologist held the copper rods with my coworker.



They stood there for a minute, and the rods moved in a direction. Apparently, this means that the gold deposits are in that direction. Well, the rods pointed to the house.

We asked the owner if we could do the whole rod thing in the house. He said that people had already been by the house to look for gold and had dug a hole several meters deep, but had come up with nothing.



We went into the house, stood over the hole that was dug by the previous searchers, and did the rod thing. The rods pointed to the side of the house, to an algorobo tree.

We went to the tree and did the rod thing again, and the archaeologist decided that he was receiving a strong signal and that the gold deposits were about a meter below the surface.

Then, we strayed away from the tree and went back to the car to converse with the landowner a little bit. From what I understood of this conversation, sometimes the landowner hears noises and voices at night around the house. Apparently, a lot of other people have also told the landowner that there is gold on his land. He said that they told him that his house was haunted and has spirits — all because of the gold deposits.

The archaeologist told him that he could talk to all the Peruvian shamans and fortune-tellers that he wants to, but the archaeologist’s method is science.

Mind you, that the archaeologist’s method involved four copper rod, holding them together for a few minutes, and then deciding that whatever direction the rods point is where there is gold.

To me, this sounds just as much like science as it does witchcraft. But then again, I’m no expert in either.

Or maybe, the difference between the two is a lot smaller than we think.

The tree at the top of the post isn’t related to the post at all, but it looks kind of haunted — so I thought it fit with the theme. It is a ceibo tree, which used to be very common around these parts. But with the deforestation and all, you only find the lonely ceibo — like the one in the picture.

Richard: Did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

Tommy: No, it was cordless.

How to motivate Ecuadorians

So yesterday, after the pregnancy test incident, I was working in my garden. I had to do some general maintenance and transplant some saplings. I was prepared to do this work by myself when one of the neighborhood kids kicked his soccer ball into the nursery.

He came in to pick it up and asked if I wanted to play. I told him that I had to work, but he could help me if he wanted to.

He ran home to ask permission and returned within two minutes and asked, ¨How much will you pay?¨

From this story, we learn a valuable lesson.

Ecuadorians are motivated by immediate monetary gain. From an early age, they are taught about this. They don´t really like to think much about the long-term effects of their actions but if they can make some quick money, they are all over it.

I told my amigo that I couldn´t pay him in money but that I could give him some plants for his house. He thought I spoke funny Spanish, which was enough for him to give me half an hour.

And he´ll be able to enjoy some basil and eggplant in a couple of months.

Vodka bottles and pregnancy tests

Last week, I complained about how iguanas had invaded my garden.

This weekend, my garden suffered through another species of pest.

I went to my garden early this morning to do some post-weekend maintenance. I expected to find a few more weeds, maybe some cucumber plants smashed or some bugs on my bean plants.

Instead, I found rocks strewn across the tomato bed, alcohol bottles tossed about, and a used pregnancy (rest assured, it was negative).

Here is my best guess of what happened.

Some young people from the neighborhood were looking for a discrete place to take a pregnancy test. They realized that nursery is empty, and nobody would disturb them. They took the test and saw it was negative - and were very happy.

So they decided to drink. Then they noticed the plastic bottles I had left in the plant beds to try out a new irrigation strategy (I filled the bottles Friday afternoon and placed them upside down in the soil next to the plants. That way I wouldn´t have to come into the garden to water over the weekend.) They also saw a pile of rocks and thought it would be a great idea to see if they could, while inebriated, throw these rocks at the bottles.

A little bit of target practice. But seeing as they were drunk and their aim was a bit off (Beer pong doesn´t exist down here yet, so they have limited experience trying to balance the effects of alcohol and some sort of activity that requires precision.), they missed the bottles, and the rocks landed on my tomato plants.

I placed the watering bottles near the plants that I wanted to care for the most. And because only four tomato plants survived the transplantation, I would probably take a bullet for one of them.

Oh, well. I like to think of my garden as fighter - that that don´t kill it can only make it stronger, right? With my photos, I´ll put together a montage, make a slideshow with the Rocky IV music, and destroy anything that tries to get in my garden´s path.

That is one possible step I can take. But there are some other more practical ones I could take. I could put a sign up in the garden that says this is a garden and not a garbage dump, but I think that would only encourage more garbage. I could make a sign about the pregnancy test, but that might encourage more youth pregnancies and unprotected sex.

If you have any ideas, let me know.

Iguanas last week. Pregnancy tests and vodka bottles this week. Who knows what I´ll have next weekend? I´m excited to find out. I´m praying for tranquility.

Mayor´s birthday (AKA municipal holiday)

I came into the office yesterday expecting to work the entire day. I had a full day of stuff to do, from making a poster board for a community banks presentation to transplanting some basil to visiting with presidents of the neighborhoods, I barely had time to eat lunch.

After giving a speech to 120 high schoolers and watering my garden, I walked into the municipality at 9:30 and my coworker handed me an invitation to the mayor´s birthday party.

It was supposed to be a surprise for the mayor, but it was just as much of a surprise to me. The invitation said the party was at 9:00 yesterday morning. Well, it was already 9:30 but operating on the hora Ecuatoriana, we were about a half hour early.

I thought that this was nice. Maybe we´ll go eat some cake and hang out for a couple hours, maybe even get the morning off work.

Then my coworker asked me if I was getting in the bus outside to take us to the party.

Wait!

We´re not just doing a little cake thing in the office. We have party bus. We took a bus to a touristic site with a pool and petting farm on the outskirts of town.

Before boarding the bus, I had to run back in the office to pick up my backpack and realized that all of the offices in the building were closed. When I boarded the bus, I saw that the entire municipal staff had checked out and boarded the party bus.

The municipality had shut down to celebrate the mayor´s birthday.

We arrived at the tourist site at about 10:30 and sat around for about four hours before the mayor or anybody else arrived. No one told me about this, so I didn´t bring my swimming trunks. I offered to play cards with some of my coworkers but they were simply interested in doing nothing.

Then, at about 2:00, they started lunch - goat meat. So I loaded up on some rice and yuca. Then the Pilsener came out. Some of my coworkers started singing boleros and love songs. By now it was 3:30 and I decided that as much as I love these ridiculous parties, I actually have some work to get done.

So I left the party and went about my day - I wanted to try a new irrigation strategy in my garden and get the materials for my presentation. The municipality was completely closed and I couldn´t get into the office, but, because I have the key to the nursery, no one can keep me out of there. So I did what I could and called it a week.

This morning, I met up with some of my coworkers to go give the presentation, and they said that they were dancing all night long. With meant that not only did this party shut down city hall, but aht it also lasted upwards of 12 hours.

Iguana Problems

I’m sitting in the hammock of the tree nursery two weeks ago, enjoying the shade and catching with Sal Paradise. All of a sudden, I hear a rustle in the mango plants.

This isn’t too weird. The nursery is full of the neighborhood chickens who like to wreak havoc on small vegetable gardens. Sometimes, you will even get the occasional dog.

I didn’t think too much of it.

Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw an amphibious creature moving about the ground. I turned and realized it was an iguana (Someone told me it’s bad luck when an iguana crosses your path. I told them it is hilarious and awesome when an iguana crosses you path, not bad luck.)

I didn’t panic. I watched it sashay through the mango plants, and once it was out of sight, I returned to Sal’s adventures in California cotton country. My lack of reaction might be a sign of how well I’m adjusting to the culture here. (It could also be a sign of how comfortable I was in the hammock.)

Either way, I continued about my day. The next morning, I went to go check on the progress of my garden. I noticed that a few stems of cucumber plants looked like they were stepped on. Everything else was ship-shape.

I thought that was probably the work of the neighborhood dogs. I ruled out the chickens because we made an outstanding sugar-cane fence to counter our fowl issue.

The next day, I checked the garden again and noticed that more cucumber plants were damaged. None of the leaves were eaten. Just that the stem was stepped on and bent.

I asked my coworkers about what they think it might have been. They said “Picasso.” I asked who that was.

Then all eight of them paused for a second and said in unison “campout.”

So we all gathered in the nursery’s tree house that night at about 8:00. I was a little late because my mom made me put on my jacket and do the dishes. One of my friends was making s’mores. Everybody got together sleeping bags. And my bespectacled coworker started telling a story about how the old owner of the nursery kept an iguana around to guard against thieves trying to steal bananas. Every time a thief entered the banana fields, he disappeared forever.

Well, the iguana got too good at his guard-iguana job. So they police said he had to retire and be restricted to the confines of the nursery. And that’s where we stand today.

How this explains what happened to the cucumbers, I don’t know.

I’ll probably have to outrun the iguana pretty soon in a dramatic race. I have to wait until my PF Flyers arrive before that happens, though.

In all seriousness though, my coworkers have named him Picasso and have no idea how to get rid of him. One coworker did suggest that we come to the nursery at night to observe what happens.

If anybody has any ideas for how to get rid of this pest before he eats all of my cucumber, let me know.

Please help me out on this one. I have no iguana experience. Before I came to Ecuador, the majority of my iguana experience came while looking at the Iguana Entertainment mascot spin a basketball on his finger as I waited for NBA Jam to load. And I don’t think Picasso plays basketball.

¡Mazel tov!

I have been in Ecuador a little over three months, and until now I have not really missed too much about the United States. That changed today.

I want wish a mazel tov to my cousin, Etan, and his wife, Krin, on the occasion of their marriage. There is nowhere in the world that I would rather be today than Ann Arbor, Michigan, celebrating with my family.

Unfortunately, a Peace Corps policy restricts my vacation time in the first three months of service and prevented me from attending the wedding. Although I will be able to see the pictures and hear stories from the wedding, I feel horrible over the fact that I can´t be with my family for this marvelous day.

Even though I can´t be physically present at the wedding, I am celebrating - with the rest of the city of Arenillas. If I had to estimate, about half of the city of Arenillas is aware of Etan and Krin´s wedding and pass along their felicitaciones.

Some of my friends made signs of congratulations, like the one above, that I have passeed along to the bride and groom to show their excitement about this glorious day.

Once again, I want to wish a mazel tov to Etan and Krin, to my aunt and uncle and cousin and to Krin and her entire family.

(The kids here love having their picture taken, but they are a little shy about pictures of them going up on the internet. If I can do some Photoshopping over the next day to crop the photos, I will.)

Not-Quite-Live-Blog but as close as I can get

Mis tigres!!!

We’re just a few minutes away from the first pitch here. Here means two things —downtown Detroit and my Peace Corps site in Ecuador where I picked star fruits off the tree down the street earlier today. They just showed some images of Gate B of Comerica Park. I didn’t recognize any of the ushers working there. Where are you, Robert????

(If you couldn’t tell from the first paragraph, this blog post will be a bit heavy on the inside jokes and Detroit-ery.)

Dave O’Brien and Rick Sutcliffe are doing the announcing and color commentary for ESPN, but they are clearly not the guys speaking on this broadcast. Two Spanish-speakers are handling those responsibilities, I think. Although, it is possible that Sutcliffe and O’Brien speak Spanish fluently and I didn’t realize it.

Armando Galarraga is on the mound for the Tigers. Before I go any further with this live blog, I want to warn you what happened the last time I watched a Tigers game in another country. It was July 30, 2006. The site was Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem. I was celebrating my birthday, and the Tigers had a day game against the Minnesota Twins. Everything went well for the first seven innings, and then Jeremy Bonderman had an epic meltdown in the eighth. The Tigers lost the game and weren’t the same team for the next two months.

Also, when we tried to watch the game on the free wireless on Ben Yehuda Street, the bomb squad had to come in to solve the problem.

7:05 Hopefully, this goes much better.

Well, the first signs aren’t so promising. Armando Galarraga’s gave up a two-run homefun to J.D. Drew before retiring an out. Here we go again.

Oh no, wait. Galarraga puts together three straight outs.

7:16

I invited all of my friends from the office to watch the game with me so they can understand a little bit about how much today’s game means to me. Most of them have to go to classes, but there is a chance that one of my cowokers comes by. They me more than don’t really know anything about baseball, and today in the car I tried to explain the rules to them. I think they were humoring anything else.

7:20

The TV doesn’t take into account that every channel is in charge of TV. For the first time this year, the TV has not responded to about half of the chanels. So far, I have had issues with pretty much ever single part of my house (water, electricity, the bathroom). But the TV has been one safe haven, except this afternoon. I got home from work and only half of the channels worked. I briefly paniced. ESPN doesn’t work. But barukh ha’shem that ESPN + works. If I couldn’t watch today’s game, I would either go insane or try to reason that it wasn’t meant to be and enduring a bit of suffering is part of joining the Peace Corps.

C’mon. Let’s be serious. There is hardship, and then there is this.

7:27

My new favorite nickname in the majors is “El Big Papi.” And he grounded out, which I like even more.

I figure I’ll throw in some Spanish words to help your vocabulary tonight. “Retirado” retired, in the sense of an out. Wait until Galarraga rings up a K before I find out what “strikeout” is.

7:33

As I’m sitting here, watching the Tigers game, I can’t help but imagine how small the world has become in the last few years.

7:34

They’re showing a retrospective on Randy Johnson’s career. Apparently, he’s close to his 300th win. I’m looking forward to them showing the corwning moment of The Big Unit’s storied career, his relief appearance at the end of Little Big League.

7:35

I like the “The Detroit Tigers support the automakers” sign. Nice touch.

7:41

I just hear the “opera”-singing hotdog guy in the background. There are some parts of the stadium I don’t miss.

7:43

I’m not going to speak too soon, which actually means I am going to speak too soon, but these two pitchers have set a blazing pace so far. If I were working this game, I would be a little excited about how quickly this midweek game going.

I really like the term “cabeza de su division,” which literally means they are the head of the division. To get the side out in order is “retirar en orden,” which Galarraga just did.

7:49

They just showed a Matthew Stafford chatting it up with some of the Tigers before the game. Then the announcers said that the city of Detroit has so many problems that they also have a winless NFL team. Let’s focus on the positives here — the Wings are two away from the Cup and the Tigers are on top of the division. Other positives?

7:53

They just talked about how Tiger Stadium received its official death sentence the other day. I always liked, when working down the rigthfield line at Comerica Park, to look over at The Corner and reflect a bit. Now, I’m crying. I wonder if these announcers came up with the idea to talk about Tiger Stadium or if they are just translating word-for-word what Sutcliffe and O’Brien are saying.

7:57

Inge is like a completely different player this year.

7:59

Curtis Granderson en la zona de seguridad. In English, “Curtis Granderson on the warning track.”

8:01

If there weren’t enough about Detroit and how depressing it is, ESPN just showed a highlight of Louis-Shmelling from 1939. I didn’t think that Louis lost to Shmelling, but that’s what I understood from the Spanish.

They followed that up with an image of Lions fans booing the Stafford selection. Can’t you make someone else feel bad?

There are good things to say about Detroit. We have three of the top twenty-five pizzas in America.

8:05

Deportivo Condor has a game in fifty-five minutes. They tied last week and are currently in third place in the division. The rule around these parts is, for anything, you have to ask five people to learn the correct answer. Typically, this rule applies to directions. But you can use the same rule for sports news as well. I only asked four people about Deportivo Condor’s league status.

8:12

I’m not going to complain too much here because Galarraga should have gotten out of the way. But from my vantage point, keep in mind that I’m on the other side of the Equator, it looked like he exaggerated that fall a bit. But then again, maybe I’ve just been watching too much soccer.

8:21

I really like what ESPN is doing by showing a batter’s average given the situation. Like how, Inge is batting .256 when the count is 2-2. Well, now he is batting a little worse after that strikeout.

8:28

So Polanco might have been a little bit late to tag the base there. What I really like is the sigh that announcers make when they see that the ump made the wrong call but they don’t want to say that the ump made the wrong call. So they just kind of sigh a little bit, and everybody knows what they mean anyway.

8:38

“Congelado,” literally means frozen. In this context, it refers to how Josh Beckett just caught Gerald Laird looking at strike three. Can a jinx work the other way, in which I say Beckett is on his way to a no-hitter?

The term “Salvador” is normally used to refer to Jesus Christ. But I think the announcer just said Fernando Rodney is the Tigers’ savior. This might also refer to the fact that he is the closer. Unclear. But in either case, hilarious.

8:56

“Sencillo.” It means single. But in this case it refers to what Curtis Granderson just did, in breaking up the no-hitter. I like to think that me writing something about the no-hitter in this not-so-live blog had something to do with it.

9:03

Cheesecake and baseball is a great combination.

9:13

We’re still in the top of the eighth. This could have gone better in the sense that the Tigers could be losing by fewer than nine runs.

9:23

That was a tough half inning for the Tigers — Robertson and Miner have had better outings before. Six runs later, we’re down by double digits.

9:26

How about some good news? I gave a great community banks presentation two days ago, might write a cookbook and nutrition guide with the nutritionist at the local hospital, and my cousin is getting married on Saturday (for once, I am talking about my real family and one of my host families).

9:29

Is there a rule that says when Ramon Santiago is called in as a pinch runner of the game when the Tigers are losing by ten that I can go watch my local soccer club play the second half of its match? Kind of the like the Darko Rule — if Darko Milicic is playing, there is no reason for you to still be at this game.

“Pelotaso,” means hit by pitch.

9:34

The Tigers scored a run. (Insert roar noise). 10-1, Red Sox. You have to start with “1” if you are going to get to “10” or, like the Tigers are going to do tonight, “11.” (Let’s have another roar noise while we’re at it.)

Let’s give an update on Ian’s soccer game attendance plans — Similar to the Ramon Santiago rule, is there a Josh Anderson clause?

9:41

Two straight errors. Bases loaded. I think my Tigers have some fight left in them.

9:43

Three straight fielding miscues. The Tigers now trail 10-2.

My host mom just walked in, and I explained to her how badly the Tigers are losing but that it doesn’t matter because this might be the only time I can watch my team this year and that my brother is at the game and that they have shown a bunch of my city. It’s like I’m back home, except that I’m in another hemisphere.

“No hay donde ponderlos,” trainslated directly to mean “there’s nowhere to put them.” In order words, the bases are loaded.

9:48

Bases-clearing triple by Curtis Granderson. We’re down 10-5 now and still alive.

My host dad just walked in and asked my I’m not at the soccer match like I planned. I told him that the soccer match doesn’t matter to me right now. For those of you interested in a score update, Condor is losing 1-0 at the end of the first half.

9:50

From the beginning of the game, I should have kept a count of the number of French Open ads I’ve seen. I think the correct answer to that is “too many.”

9:54

They are breaking down the first round of the 1974 MLB Draft. Desperation? Nothing else to talk about? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard baseball broadcasts break down the first round of that legendary draft. I mean, Garry Templeton. How can you deny Garry Templeton? I certainly will not deny him. Would you?

That’s what I thought.

9:58

They have started to show pictures of Red Sox fans in the crowd taking pictures of other Red Sox fans. Can they do me a favor and show someone I know?

9:59

Tigers are about to get their final at-bat of the evening, trailing by five runs. Cue “Eye of the Tiger.”

10:02

“Campo corto.” That is shortstop.

10:05

The announcer just called Jim Leyland Jimmy Leyland. I don’t think that has ever been done before.

10:06

Santiago draws a walk, showing great patience in his first at-bat of the night.

10:08

Laird just worked the count to 3-0, and Terry Francona decided to call the bullpen. I like how bullpen phone technology has not changed for 35 years. I also like how Laird drew a walk. Now, the tying run is in the hole or, as the kickball kids say, double deck.

10:11

The announcer has never referred to the Tigers as the Tigres all night. But when he refers to the White Sox, he calls them the “medias blancas.” He just called Oakland the Atleticos. Who is he to decide the mascot of the various teams?

10:12

We’re down to our last out. They just showed a part of rally caps in the crowd. They don’t have a window into the living room here. But if they did, they would see a rally cap.

10:15

All the ushers are amassed at the bottom of their rows because the game could end on the next pitch. But wait, the bases are now loaded after Polanco gets plunked. And Miguel Cabrera, who is on deck, represents the tying run.

10:17

Anderson flies out to centerfield to end the game.

Win or lose, it’s always fun to watch the Tigers play. Hopefully, because of their cabeza de la divison status, they’ll be featured more frequently on ESPN throughout the season.

Now, it’s time to go cheer on Condor.

not-quite-a-live-blog tonight

So the Tigers-Red Sox game is on TV here tonight. This is the only Tigers game scheduled to be on ESPN (from what I saw of the national tv schedule) this season. I can{t actually do a live blog because i dont have internet in my house. but i can make a streaming log of my hilarity thoughts and insights.

and if you go to the game, maybe i can see you on tv.

Humor can change the world

My host dad has become vegetarian — mas o menos.

Before I got here, he said he was eating all kinds of meat and fried foods. He has eliminated most of that from his diet. Although he says there are obvious health benefits to the vegetarian diet, I think his lifestyle change is mostly motivated by humor.

Let me explain.

When I meet someone here, there are a few topics that we cover almost immediately.

The first would be what I’m doing here. I should have kept a count of this, but I think I have refined the 20-second, I’m-in-the-Peace-Corps-and-here-to-help-you-by-working-with-natural-resources-and-conservation-with-the-municipality pitch. I’m constantly fine-tuning it, but the fundamentals of the pitch of constant and very strong.

So then the conversation will continue for a few minutes about the work I’m doing. Then the person will ask I am willing to teach them English, as if that could happen in ten minutes. I explain this to them and tell them that if they want to learn English, they have to work as hard as I am at learning Spanish.

Four minutes later, we come to the topic of food. I like to keep the conversation about food focused on produce and the availability of so many outstanding fruits at the local market. Inevitably, the conversation shifts to meat and seafood. They are such staples of the local diet that the people here want to know my take on it. This is when I drop the v-word.

I tell them that I am vegetarian and don’t eat meat (“No como carne”). Then they reply “what about carne cruda?” (literally “raw meat” but that phrase is full of innuendo). I get this reply about eighty percent of the time that my vegetarian diet comes up.

Now, just as I have a well-crafted response to other staple conversation, I have refined, with hilarity, how I answer this question. I like to say that I don’t have to kill the carne cruda. This typically evokes boisterous laughter, and everyone wins.

This is where my hos dad comes in. He has seen me give this shpiel numerous times and loves the opportunity to chime in with the joke every time. He likes the joke so much that he wants to be able to use it himself.

So he has become a vegetarian, purely for the jokes.

Maybe I’ve been watching too much Seinfeld.